Begin Again.

I’ve noticed every 6-7 years I experience huge inner and outer world shifts that I don’t get to ignore anymore. Everything surfaces. The choices I make that are rooted in my ego-driven intentions or fears confront me. I find myself facing inevitable situations I’ve often resisted for years. I notice I can’t keep going at things the way I did before. I feel compelled to break away from multiple personal and professional relationships and practices where values are no longer aligned, while others seem to fade out naturally.

Parts of it all feels like a relief, parts of it hurt a lot and make me feel alone. But by round four(?) of these cycles, I now know not to allow hurt, scarcity mindset or what is familiar pull me back into what I knew and lived before. When I look back on previous periods like this one in my life, I always find that they also somehow contain some of the best memories I’ve ever experienced! Even if I walked around with an aching and heavy heart at the same time for months. While it may take years of building up the courage, I never regret when I eventually do run toward the things that have frightened me most.

Right now I find myself really struggling to fit into boxes. Social media and society loves categorising the human experience, because if you know which box to put someone in, you can hopefully understand it, or even conquer it. But the human experience simply isn’t black and white. I fought my whole life to fit into those boxes. Some days that looked like being the perfect mom, other days it looked like trying to keep up on social media, and at times it was hyperfixating on getting my dream body. All of it was exhausting, because the goal post keeps moving.

And so I somehow find myself back here. On my blog. Social media has made life so fast, it’s made attention spans so slow, I needed a slow outlet but also an escape.

I’m reminding myself I write as much for my own joy, as I do for others. Not to go “viral”, but so those who are likeminded may discover bits of my mind scattered around, and see themselves in it.