Today’s post is a little trying for me to share because I wanted to speak about my daily battle with anxiety. If you’re not interested in that part and want to know more about my look, scroll down to where it says “About This Outfit”. But back to this cloud that follows me around. I wanted to talk about it because I want to be real with you all, and I can’t keep showing the pretty parts of my life only.
In a nutshell, I stress a lot. About SO much. I stress about the work I need to do, about the never-ending emails, I stress about safety, about the future, and whatever else I can find. It gives me insomnia sometimes, back-pain and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome – I carry my tension in my stomach, causing my intestines etc to tighten, knot and then my food doesn’t digest properly), and I hyperventilate a lot, so much so that I’m able to ignore it and carry on with life, because it’s become a way of life. I’m guessing anxiety is also why I have so many grey hairs? According to our family doctor, it’s hereditary. It’s all very contradictory in many ways because at the same time, I consider myself a very confident and brave young woman. Very few experiences cause me to be nervous or scared. You could ask me to speak on live TV or in front of 10 000 people and I genuinely won’t flinch or be afraid, and I always love trying or seeing new things, many of which would freak out other people. It’s just that when life gets too much, then everything gets too much and I’m a worried deer in the headlights.
It affects me more than cared to admit or acknowledge before, but one thing I’ve recently decided not to do is shy away from it. I find when I bring my attention consciously to what I’m feeling, or voice it to a loved one, I realise I don’t need to feel like this. Just looking at what I’ve just written now, it definitely seems a bit dramatic, but it is what it is and I’m determined to deal with it.
Recently a lot of things were just overwhelming me, personally and professionally. So much went SO wrong. I became like a zombie, my thighs and stomach swelled from the lack of sleep. In addition, Lisa’s family was robbed in their very secure home and it freaked me out and made me so paranoid even though I’m so far removed from the situation. I ignored my feelings consciously, but subconsciously I definitely internalised them and it affected me physically. I never slept for almost a week, I constantly felt nauseous, I had zero motivation. I had never ever felt this bad in my life. It was a weird cloud that just wouldn’t leave me, and I’m usually the most jovial person in the room. I’m hardly ever a morbid person, but I couldn’t shake it this time. Everything just became too much.
I eventually voiced it all to my husband. I felt so weird saying everything out loud. For some crazy reason, I expected him to just know what I was dealing with but it was all new to him. He knew I was stressed, but he didn’t realise how it affected me. He decided to treat me like even more of a queen than usual until I figured out what I needed. When I say a queen, I mean I didn’t have to pick up or do a single thing in our home. I didn’t have to leave my bed if I didn’t want to. He worked tirelessly single-handedly to run our home in every way, he cooked every meal, cleaned, washed my hair, meditated and prayed with me and made me ignore most of my emails and work until I felt better, no matter what the world needed from me. The only thing he insisted I do was exercise. He really was, and continues to be, my rock.
After about a week or more of queening and downtime, I started being my usual goofy self. I made cheesy dorky jokes. I started dancing and belting out bad versions of songs the way I usually do. I started getting up at six to go to gym. I spent time with the right people. I meditated even more and learned a few more things about my religion. I’m finally sleeping so much better, and I’m less swollen around my middle. Thanks to yoga and Malick AKA the Breathing & Posture Police, I’ve stopped hyperventilating. I’ve only taken on the work I can manage and honestly, I continue to ignore many emails because I just really need to continue taking care of myself.
If you’re wondering why I’m getting so deeply into my feelings in this post, as with everything I do really it’s to relate to my amazing readers beyond pretty outfits. It’s so easy to get sucked into putting yourself last and before you know it you’re too physically and emotionally burnt out to notice it. It’s so easy to compare your life to the nice pictures I post or to the “perfect” lives others share online, but I never ever want anyone to believe my life is perfect (I just love things to look pretty, man). No one online has a perfect life. Everyone’s life is far from perfect, I can assure you! I have friends who have been through hell and it never reflects on their profile. So even if this post makes only one person feel they’re not alone and their feelings are valid in whatever they’re dealing with, then I’m happy.
I’ve promised myself if I end up in this space again, I’m going to speak to someone professionally about it. It doesn’t make me crazy, I just don’t want to lose touch with how my environment affects me. I essentially just want to schedule time with someone to sift through any bad thoughts or feelings accumulating in my busy life, so it doesn’t bite me in the butt later or take me by surprise. I did it before years ago all by my own choosing, and I’m not ashamed of it. In fact, I’m proud of my maturity surrounding the matter. Life is SO fast, and I think it’s good to check in with yourself as often as you can.
So on that note, thank you for coming back to read this after my little blog break! One of the things I’m most thankful for in my life is the phenomenally supportive network of women/readers I have backing me for years.
If you or someone you know is battling with depression or anxiety, www.sadag.org is a good place to start seeking help.
ABOUT THIS OUTFIT:
Okay now that the heavier stuff has been covered, let’s talk about this outfit! I got this dress from an old friend of mine who imports all kinds of fashion, you can find her business IG profile by clicking here on @saracouturebysi. I’m so obsessed with how it covers all the right places and is so beautifully bohemian! My shoes are Aquazurra knock-offs, let’s be honest, from MRP, and my earrings are from Lovisa. This is my favourite summer look so far! Feeling like a Spanish princess on an off-day. Olé!
Lastly no look is complete without lashes from my collection! I’m wearing the style called Leonor, available on shopfashionbreed.co.za.
Dress from Sara Couture (here), MRP heels, Lovisa Earrings, Marc Jacobs watch, Lip Colour is ‘Bad Blood’ from Urban Decay.
Photographs shot by Malick.